


Holding Her Heart in Her Hands

by mage_girl



Category: Pacific Rim (2013)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Male-Female Friendship, Tumblr: jaegercon, red shoe means heart in hand, visual symbolism explored
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-13
Updated: 2013-08-13
Packaged: 2017-12-23 08:04:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/923895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mage_girl/pseuds/mage_girl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mako Mori has a quiet moment to think about her relationship with her father, Stacker Pentecost after the final battle. Raleigh is there to provide emotional support and comfort.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Holding Her Heart in Her Hands

**Author's Note:**

  * For [aertheis](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=aertheis).



> The visual symbolism in this movie was breathtaking. The one that stood out to me the most was the flashback when Mako and Raleigh were in the Drift for the first time. The red shoe's meaning was something I wanted to explore in a fic but wasn't sure how to write it out. Thankfully, I figured it out.
> 
> My thanks as always to Aphrodite_mine for her fine beta'ing else wise, this would be a bit more sloppy than I would have liked. 
> 
> This is a gift exchange fic for Jaegercon 2013--I hope you like it, Aertheis!

It was days before Mako could examine her feelings after the Breach was closed; understandably, she was busy with the aftermath in the Shatterdome. There was a physical she endured and a psychological evaluation to make sure she was still fit for duty and then, interviews by herself and with Raleigh about what happened in the final battle.

She hadn’t had time to think about how she felt about the death of the other Jaeger pilots. It was one event after another, slamming into each other; Kaiju slamming into the giant Jaegers that protected humanity. There wasn’t time for tears for the brash Kaidanovsky couple or the three Wei Tang brothers. There was time only for rage and for preparation. Time only to act and not grieve.

Mako hadn’t had time to grieve over Stacker’s death. She’s said what she wanted to say, what she tried to convey in words that she feared were inadequate; the look she shared with her adopted father, however, reassured her he understood what was left unsaid. She’d never Drifted with him, never had that neural link like she did with Raleigh but it didn’t matter. He knew her as well as Raleigh now did, knew her through her nightmares, tears, triumphs, and determination. Stacker raised her to be self-reliant, to dedicate herself to self-discipline, and to conquer any fears she had about herself. She wasn’t to think of herself as any less than what she was capable of nor was she to allow anyone else to think any less of her. She would give no quarter and ask for no quarter; her childhood before Stacker found her was the foundation and Stacker built upon it carefully, with love and discipline as the bookends.

Mako sat outside the Shatterdome, the little red shoe from her childhood in her lap. She had folded her fingers over the strap and was playing with the buckle when Raleigh sat down next to her. He brushed his shoulder against hers and looked out over the Kaiju-blood stained sea. Mako traced the tiny buckle with her fingers, the metal cool against her skin.

‘He gave me back my heart,’ she murmured finally, her voice barely carrying over the sound of wind and tide.

Raleigh nodded, his hand covering hers in mute sympathy.

‘I held this shoe when he brought me to the hospital to be examined. I set it beside me and didn’t let it out of my sight and when I finally told him what I wanted, he took my shoe and told me, promised me, that he would honour my request. I knew he didn’t throw it away...he wouldn’t have done that...but I never knew what he did with it. I’ve since learned from Herc that he kept it where he could always see it. It was a reminder and a promise and maybe...maybe a burden. He drove himself so hard. He didn’t want to tell me he was dying,’ Mako said, turning her head slightly to look at Raleigh from an angle. 

Raleigh studied her profile, the curve of her brow, her lashes fanned over her cheek, her hair, the blue-tipped edges brushing her jawline. ‘He didn’t want you to know?’

‘He didn’t want me to worry,’ she clarified.’He knew it would be hard for me. I didn’t know how much time I had with him; I only knew he couldn’t get into a Jaeger ever again and that the medicine that he allowed himself only slowed the symptoms. He didn’t talk about it and since we’d both been through Tamsin’s death, I knew what to expect. The cancer would continue to spread throughout his body and he’d die. The cancer was the one Kaiju he couldn’t defeat.’

‘Oh, I don’t know about that,’ said Raleigh, his voice gentle. ‘He went out on his own terms. He chose his fate. He knew he would die no matter what happened, what path he went on. He could die from cancer or he could die fighting the Kaiju. This is the man I knew when my brother and I fought in our Jaeger. He was a legend amongst the pilots. He commanded respect and deserved the attention of every person who crossed his path. We all knew better than to mess with Marshall Pentecost.’

Mako sighed. ‘Thank you...that helps...the different perspective helps..’ Her eyes met Raleigh’s and the vulnerability he saw in them reminded him of her younger self, the girl he saw in the Drift.

She looked down again and traced the buckle of the small red shoe again. ‘I’ve lost my family, I’ve lost my adopted father and aunt...I feel like I should feel _something_ , like my losses should stagger me and leave me unable to function. Instead, it’s this...hole...inside...this feeling that I might never feel again.’

‘I shut off my feelings when I worked on that wall,’ offered Raleigh. ‘When I lost Yancy, when I felt him _die_ inside of my head, I felt that same emptiness, that same gaping hole where everything bled into it and left this white noise behind. It was so easy to work and not think. So easy to work and not feel. I didn’t want to remember losing him...I didn’t want to remember everything we shared, every time we Drifted. And I’m sorry, Mako.’

Mako turned to Raleigh, her eyes wide. ‘What do you have to be sorry for?’

‘When we first Drifted...you received everything I held back, everything I walled off and denied. You experienced Yancy’s death with me, you saw Yancy through his eyes, seeing me helpless and knowing he was going to die...you saw my feelings burn out like a star going nova and that...that triggered your own. I...I owe you so much more than an apology for that. I don’t know where to start or how to begin. I’m lucky you didn’t storm off and leave me to my stupid self. I am really sorry, Mako. My selfishness hurt you,’ said Raleigh, holding her gaze, refusing to look away from whatever he would find in her eyes.

Mako shook her head and smiled, just the corners of her mouth tipping upwards but it was more of a real smile than anything she’d attempted in the past few days. ‘Apology accepted, Raleigh. And who’s to say what would have happened if I _hadn’t_ gone back into my past like that? Would it have happened when we went out to battle? Would it have happened when we were down in the Breach? That would have been catastrophic. We would have lost everything and everyone. We would have lost the world. My father’s and Chuck’s sacrifice would have been for nothing. Things happen for a reason and in the time they happen in, Raleigh. It was the only time that could have happened, safely. And when we Drifted again...your grief became my grief and I was able to concentrate on what we needed to do. You _helped_ me, Raleigh. It hurt at the time but in the end?’ 

Mako leaned against Raleigh, sighing as his arm went around her waist and held her next to him. ‘In the end...it allowed me to become the Jaeger pilot I dreamed of being. It made my father proud of me. It all worked out.’

Raleigh chuckled. ‘You’re a hell of a person, Mako. Thank you.’

There was companionable silence for a bit and then Raleigh looked down at the small red shoe in Mako’s hand. 

‘This represents your heart?’ he asked.

‘It sounds silly, maybe but...when my father rescued me, I was holding this shoe...as you know...I was...my family and I had been separated and the Kaiju, Onibaba was still on the street and I ran away, stunned, shocked. I didn’t know what to do and I was...hoping to find someone who could help me...and then Onibaba was there and then...then my father saved me...and all I could do was smile at him and hold my shoe next to my chest, close to my heart. He understood, of course. He didn’t allow anyone to take it away from me. Not at the hospital, not later on, when he adopted me. He understood that my shoe held all that was left of my family.’

Mako thought of her family who died in that attack. Her father and mother who loved her, despite being the only child and a girl at that, and what happened afterwards, when she was released from the hospital into the custody of her father’s family.

‘My father’s family didn’t want me. They blamed me for being a girl and there were no boys left to learn the sword making trade...so Stacker came to my rescue again. He adopted me and when I went with him, I only packed a few things. Pictures of my family and my red shoe,’ explained Mako.

‘You brought your heart with you,’ said Raleigh, touching the red leather toe.

‘Yes. And father took it when he promised me I could revenge my family. He said he’d remember and that my shoe would be a reminder to him...and it was. And now...now I can’t feel anything and my heart is empty,’ explained Mako, her voice forlorn.

‘You will,’ reassured Raleigh. At her skeptical look, he laughed. ‘You _will_ , Mako. I’m not teasing you. You’ve been through so much and you need time. That’s all. Need some time for your heart to mend and you’ll feel everything again. When we Drift the next time, the feelings will come and I’ll help you. I’ll help you so you won’t lose yourself in the Drift...you’ll find your heart and you’ll see your father again and you’ll be able to grieve.’

Raleigh drew Mako in for a hug. ‘I’ll be there for you. I’m your friend and we’re copilots and...we’ll get through this. I won’t leave you.’

Mako tilted her head back, looking at Raleigh with eyes that were teary and hopeful. ‘Really?’ she asked.

‘Really,’ repeated Raleigh, firmly. He took the shoe from her hand and tucked it into his jacket pocket. ‘Now it’s my turn to hold your heart because you’re my friend and friends share the hurt and the burden of grief. When you’re ready, I’ll give it back to you.’

‘Thank you, Raleigh,’ said Mako, softly. She was able to smile, really smile at him and it lit up her face like the sun.

‘You’re welcome. I pay my debts, Mako. I owe you and Stacker and...yeah...’ trailed off Raleigh and Mako laughed a little and wrapped her arms around him and hugged him tight and they both felt the better for it.

They sat there in silence, watching the clean up continue at the Shatterdome and feeling as though they could finally stop running, finally stop wondering when the memories in the Drift would stop haunting them. 

Their inner war clocks could finally stop; the Apocalypse was truly over.


End file.
